Balham Choke Hazard 4 -­ 7 Camden Kongs

Report by Rob Marland

In the penultimate bout of the day, both teams lusted after their first win. But by this stage, all
the volfsballers had sunstroke and were playing like they’d been smacked on the head with a
brick. The match officials were also drunk.

First third

As the sun scrambled their brains, the Choke Hazard and Kongs reeled about the pitch,
hoisting up shots that never had a chance of grazing the prism. Mandy Saunders and rookie
Martin Cavanagh both picked up two points apiece, and John “Hairy Octopus” Reed swatted
two blocks. But, to sum up, a lame third. Somehow the three match officials credited the
Kongs with an extra point, which livened it up a bit.

Second third

In the second, the ref incorrectly awarded the Choke Hazard a point, putting the score at 5­-3
Kongs when it should have been 4-­2. So that was fair. Cavanagh picked up another two
points and the reigning MVP, Reed, scuffed one at the buzzer. 7­-2 Kongs (8­-3 on the day).

Third third

Thom Saunders started the final period with a huge block near the inside of the defensive
circle. Honest Thom, perhaps eying the sportsmanship award, owned up to a no­go
infraction that he hadn’t committed. Luckily the ref had sobered up by this point, and called
for play to continue. The third also saw great hussle from Mandy Saunders, who flung
herself on the baked earth and never without a good reason.

Greg Nixon, who at this point was 6­-0, found himself open and discharged the ball with
extreme prejudice: point, Nixon. His next two pops were also on target, but were denied by
the hirsute mollusc, John Reed. Refusing to be intimidated, Nixon essayed a 5 pointer over
Reed. Absolute mustard. We’re talking pure Dijon from the man in yellow. But the volfsball
was instantly debited from Nixon’s account as it was adjudicated that he had travelled just
before unleashing his shot. It was 7-­3 to the Kongs but the ref, by now several bevvies in the
red, decided it was 9­-4. Pissed is not the word.

Mandy scored a one­pointer at the buzzer to bring the final score to 7-­4 in favour of the
Kongs, with the tally as recorded on the day -9­5. It was the biggest scoring cock­up in
volfsball history, and it was pure luck that it didn’t change the result. Rob Marland of the
Snakehips, who compiled the game stats, said “we need to incorporate advanced scoring
technologies into the game. Maybe a pen and pencil.”

 ShotsHits%PtsPPSBlks/IntOff RebVolfsballs
Thom Saunders (Choke Hazard)70000100
Greg Nixon (Choke Hazard)911110.11200
Mandy Saunders (Choke Hazard)1232530.25000
John Reed (Kongs)1432130.21400
Martin Cavanagh (Kongs)1044040.4010
Neil Hobbs (Kongs)20000000